Breastfed is best fed. Shove it.

Breastfeeding was the absolute worst experience for me.

When my daughter was born, she was scooped out of my belly like an avocado pit, and my immediate instruction was to try and get her to latch. But if you have a c-section, sometimes it takes a while, as in a few DAYS, for your milk to come in. And guess what, you still have to feed your baby in those days! Shocking, I know. So while I didn’t have a lot of milk production, our amazing nursing staff provided us with some formula to supplement while we waited for the milk to flow. So just mere hours after my daughter was born, I already felt like a failure.

But let’s back up just a little bit.

From the time that you make your first appointment to confirm what your gross little pee stick has implanted in your brain, you are bombarded with information, medical advice, tips, tricks, and unwanted stories. I remember getting these pamphlets in the mail about formulas, and what they were made with, and I thought “Oh that’s okay, I’m going to breastfeed”. Doctors will tell you that breastfeeding the best thing for your baby because of the nutrients it supplies, while other moms have tips and tricks for your breastmilk, like bathing them for unhappy skin, using breastmilk for mixing in the early stages of babe starting to eat solids, using it for eye infections, etc. etc.

Which is all well and good….if you actually produce breast milk. Breastfeeding was not an easy journey for me, and that was because I felt like I was failing before I even started. I was one of those women who just didn’t produce a large supply. Yes, I would wake up in the morning with huge, swollen, painfully full breasts, but after one feeding, that was about it. Pumping was a nightmare because washing out all those little stupid pieces was draining and let’s be honest, fucking annoying, and then to only be able to pump 2 oz per day, while also trying to feed??? FUCK!

We had formula fed from day 1, so supplementing was something we were used to, but I wanted what was best for my babe, and I was told that was breastmilk. But here I was, breastmilk-less.

Now I am so happy for those women who find that breastfeeding is such a great experience, such a bonding moment, and love the experience. I am here for it!! But that was not my experience.

I remember the worst night with my daughter. It was an hour in which I no longer acknowledged what was happening as I am usually asleep, and she had woken up hungry, and there we were in our rocker chair, trying to feed. She didn’t want to latch, but I think I just didn’t have any milk, and I was so tired and maybe slightly delirious because of the 2 hour feedings, so didn’t have the forethought to heat up formula, and so we just sat there in the rocker chair for maybe 5 minutes, which felt like the entirety of my life, and the both of us cried. I was sobbing so hard, in fact, my dog came into the room to see if I was okay. I was not.

But my husband had previously heard us struggling and had gotten up to heat up some formula, and came in to save the day. My daughter was just hungry, so she pretty much calmed down after she had a bottle. But I was a mess. And I still cringe when I think about those moments, because that was not my only night of tears struggling with breastfeeding.

So…breastfed is not bestfed… just fed. Feed that child by any means necessary.

Period.